Relationships Self Improvement

11 Ways to stop falling in love with the wrong person and handling a heartbreak

First of all we can’t stop falling in love it’s part of our chemistry when we interact with each other.  The real reason you don’t have the love that you deserve isn’t how you acted on a date. It isn’t because you said the wrong thing or that you smiled at the waiter. It isn’t because you texted the guy after the date to thank him.

Here’s the hard truth: you picked someone who would leave you before you even went out on that date. Before you even spoke to this man, your mate selection mechanism was set on heartache. But the good news is, you can change your “Love Picker” and turn on your “Love Switch.”

Why do we pick the wrong people? There is a subconscious part of us that draws us to particular people who trigger a familiar feeling. We think it’s chemistry when the fireworks go off, but what’s actually happening is that your inner drama queen is having a field day. You’re bored with the nice guys and crave attention from the man who acts disinterested. Most people think they will never have chemistry with someone “nice” and that could very well be true. If you don’t change your mate selection mechanism, you will subconsciously choose the same heartache every time. You will ignore the obvious red flags, believing, that “this relationship” will be different … but nothing changes.

If you’re one of those “unlucky in love” types, wondering if there isn’t something you can do to change the game so that the odds are in your favor, there are actually several modifications you can make in your quest for amour–but the biggest changes you will likely have to make are going to start with you. In order to find lasting love, you must examine your personal history to shed light on events that set certain patterns in motion, and then you must re-learn the rules of attraction so that you are better able to focus on more suitable candidates for healthy romance.

The key to finding true love is to discover the mechanism in your subconscious (we call it your inner Adam or Eve), which fits like a puzzle piece with potential partners. You don’t have to change how you act, your clothes, your weight, or your personality; you just need to shift your piece of the puzzle. When your puzzle piece shifts, you will see that the men or women you meet will start to change as well. You can have conscious chemistry with someone who wants commitment and love just like you. You will feel the fireworks, but it won’t be followed by a night of Ben & Jerry’s on the couch (unless you and your partner enjoy sweet treats together).

There are a few ways to change your “Love Picker.” In fact, your subconscious mind is always giving you clues on how to change it. It keeps bringing you heartache so that you can finally make an adjustment.

You may not have known that you can change it before today, but here are a few steps to get you started.


  1. Look Beyond Chemistry

The evidence of pheromone-based attraction notwithstanding, a well-rounded education in love demands the study of more than one subject. No one’s telling you that you have to date someone to whom you are not physically attracted, but if that’s all there is, unless you’re looking for short-term gratification of an “urge to merge” (nothing wrong with that–so long as you understand that’s all it’s likely to be) chances are, lust is not going to be enough for the long haul.

2. Break bad patterns. Look for common themes in your relationships and figure out where the patterns have their roots. Try to identify the underlying fear you likely have of actually getting close to someone. Face the fear so you can break the bad pattern

3. Refocus Your Expectations

Refining expectations is not, I repeat, not synonymous with lowering expectations, so if you’re in the habit of repeatedly trying to pair up with unrealistic or unavailable partners, there’s a good chance it’s time to start setting your sights on more appropriate targets.

4. Pay attention to your dreams. Your dreams are a treasury of insight and information to guide you on your journey to a fulfilling relationship. They speak to you in symbolic language so you need to journal about them and follow your inner guidance.

5. Create an inner dialogue. Work with your subconscious mind by visualizing and facing the part of you that acts as the picker. Ask yourself questions and trust the answers that come to you.

6. Get a guide. Hire a coach that specializes in subconscious work. This is the fastest way to get yourself aligned with love.

Once you shift your subconscious even slightly, you will see a huge difference in who you’re attracted to and who is attracted to you. You may even notice that more opportunities will show up to meet nice guys, and that friends will come out of nowhere to introduce you to someone worthy.

The bottom line is that you don’t have to worry about saying the right things or playing the dating game. Your picker, if well-tuned, will always give you the love match you most desire. Isn’t that much easier than wondering if you should wait three days to call him?

7.  Distract your attention.

Out of sight, out of mind. This should be your motto if you want to get over your unrequited love. If you can, the best option for you would be to go on a long trip where you won’t be able to connect to the internet (stop checking all their social media accounts!).

8. Know The Catalyst

Many people who seem to haplessly fall into one doomed relationship after another do so because they’ve never fully resolved the childhood traumas that shaped their psyches, especially in cases of emotional abuse or neglect. As a child, you have no control over your environment, but as an adult, not only do you have the ability to understand how you came to be the person you’ve become, but you have the power to break destructive cycles by choosing not to engage in relationships that feed negative behavior.

9. Accept the fact that this person doesn’t need you.

Try to look at your love from a different perspective. Does it look like a classic romance? If you can admit that your beloved one doesn’t love you back, you are on the right path. Next time you want to meet this person or call them, just think about how they usually feel about you. When you show how much you care about them, all they feel toward you is condescension. Do you want to be a slave crawling around your master’s feet? It’s better to do something more pleasant.

10.  Talk to someone that has had same experience and gotten over it

You are not the only person who has relationship problems. Many people have experienced the pain of unrequited love, and they got past it. Tell your close ones about your feelings. Ask them how they survived it and what they did to release the pain. Sometimes all you need is to hear simple words like, “How well I understand you.”

11.  Time to leave the fantasy behind.

Don’t indulge yourself with hopeless dreams. There isn’t anything more destroying than waiting for someone to love you back. Instead spend time in taking care of yourself, do workouts, eat well don’t fall into bad habits like smoking or over-thinking. Don’t make rash decisions or actions, especially if they are dangerous to your health or life. You may want to occupy yourself with self-destroying and hope that your beloved one will see and understand your pain

About the author


Adeolu is the founder of 24 Hubs, a web application and growth marketing agency, and a partner in a handful of companies including,, and Between his consulting practice and his software companies, Adeolu's goal is to help young entrepreneurs scale their businesses.

Add Comment

Click here to post a comment

Leave a Reply

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 15,794 other subscribers